Monday, November 10, 2008

Against Toilet Seat Covers

I do not believe that toilet seat covers do anything, save soothe the neuroses of germ-a-phobes, create unnecessary waste, and perhaps clog toilets.

When I hear the rustle made by these immaterial materials, I think unkind thoughts about your evident disregard for the earth, your sexual proclivities, and your mental capabilities.

Did you miss the day in the 3rd grade when we talked about how itty-bitty bacteria is? Do you think paper you can see through keeps your bits safe? Would you consider wrapping a dick in tissue paper to be a step up from going bareback? If you are surrounded by ants, do you think putting up a chain link fence might help keep them away? Do you hate trees, or perhaps your plumber?

The answer, my friends, is "no." No to substituting a colander for a goldfish bowl and no to toilet seat covers.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

November 5th, 2008

The day Ruth spent sitting at her desk, getting teary-eyed while reading about old black people who voted for Obama.