Saturday, January 28, 2006

Hairy tits, faces, the works.

So my roommate and I instituted a new policy of meeting for drinks once a week, going to a bar we've never been to. It's part of my theory that we need to start exploring Kansas City like we did not grow up here and start thinking of Kansas City based on that "Kansas City here we come" song, that Magnetic Fields song, "your eyes are Kansas City, one in Kansas and one in Missouri" (ok, so that song isn't all too relevant, but I'm, well, so vain that I basically think that song is about me, also, GBV, Beekeeper Seeks Ruth, it totally makes me blush) and you know, who think Kansas City is awesome meat products and jazz and has one of the largest collections of Asian art outside of Asia. And there is that Altman movie, Kansas City, that I have never seen-- its tagline is "Kansas City, 1934. Anything could happen here. One night it did." for chrissakes.
So, for our first selection (Julie's, actually), we went to a bar called John's Big Deck, which, as my stud-lover points out, is totally a penis joke. In any case, we were pretty much the only women there, aside from the waitresses and one blonde lady with enormous fake and almost entirely exposed breasts. Her stomach, also enormous and exposed, seemed to be genuine. And most of the men there were a) long-bearded in baseball caps b) in overalls and c) eating the special, which was a hunk of meat, one slice of white bread, fries, and a baked potato.
Of course, I had the view of the action, which was bad, because I have a tendancy not to actually look at the person I am with, so this obviously exacerbated the problem, which escaladed when Tits went over to Longest-Beard with a pair of scissors and placed his long beard between her large and incredibly wall-eyed breasts, all the while making porn-star face, and cut his beard off, so that all the hair fell down her shirt. Then she stood up, and pulled a huge wad of hair out, still making porn-star face! To which, Formerly Longest-Beard said, huh, you've got hairy tits, and then they went home together!!! Or rather, left together. I should illustrate this for you, but I'm not really sure where the paint equivalent is on my pretty new iBook, and am too lazy to look.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Seriously, why are libertarians so crazy? I used to be a card carrying member (granted, before I could vote), but man, they are a wacky people. Superficially rational and logical beings, they insist on doing things like having excessive facial hair and loving the guns. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am relatively pro-gun, but actually touching guns and even owning them? That's a lot weird. Today I read about this guy, who, forget what he's saying, looks like Timothy McVeigh's handsome uncle.
But, what about what's he's saying? There shouldn't be secret laws requiring passengers to produce ID to fly... hmmm. Perhaps there is an argument worth making here. While I have never been troubled by this requirement, maybe I should be? I mean, I'd like to be able to read the law if I so choose (which, incidentally, I would never choose to do. Unless I go to law school, and then I might have to).
And then there is the fact that he's the co-founder of the Electronic Frontier Foundation , an organization that my boyfriend totally hearts. Which I now find creepy, because I think we all know that frontier is one of those creepy words, like legion or order that you know secretly means cults or militias.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Yeah Abortion Yeah

So, as I've been reading/listening to what our crazy president has been saying, I have begun writing my first screenplay. And when I say 'writing', I mean I just thought of it and figured, heck, I'll put it into my blog and maybe someone can steal it and that would be cool too.
I'll tell you about my thought process:
  • Man, these pro-lifers are sure crazy. We shall overcome? What? Man, I bet those "yeah, it's totally shaved into a heart" Bush twins, I bet one of them has totally had an abortion.
  • Oh, they so have. I mean, underage drinking is the gateway drug to unwanted pregnancy and I haven't noticed them pregnant. Although to be honest, I don't even know their names, much less the frequency of their ovulation.
  • Ohmigosh, this would make the best movie about the abortion debate, way better than that crappy Citizen Ruth movie. And it goes like this:

Cool, obgyn, veteran of the women's movement. probably diane keaton, pam greer, susan sarandon, you know the type. the movie is mostly about her dilemma. The daughter of a high profile, anti-abortion activist finds herself with an unwanted fetus. Obviously, she can't turn to her parents, so instead, where does she go? Planned Parenthood of course! This in itself is an adventure as you know, she can't be spotted. I have not cast this role. but let it be known that whoever plays this part will know how to wear a scarf. In any case, she decides to have the abortion.

But the real debate is the obgyn's. She has to decide if she should leak the the girl's abortion to the press thus discrediting the politician father, or if she should go to great lengths to protect her privacy, as she would any other patient. Of course she keeps the secret, and of course the secret is found out, and of course everything works out for the greater good in the end, much like the Cheney's lesbian-child. Oh wait.

In any case, I am not predicting this movie to rock or anything like that. Rather, it would be more of an after-school special movie, although it would still play in theatres and maybe even win an academy award. This movie would go in the Step-mom, Seabiscuit, Other Sister category. You know, about how it is good to love defective things and you learn a lot about yourself when you do so.

Friday, January 20, 2006

question of the day:
should i, as my boss (who is a monster) suggested, become a lawyer?
or, does anyone have any better ideas about what should become of my life?

Monday, January 16, 2006

The OC & Cubix

Unfortunately, I can't really update my blog anymore because when I'm at home, I have to watch the OC all the time, and when I'm not busy at work, I have to play Cubix. My other free time has been devoted to scouring clearance racks, because, as every sensible shopper knows, 3 weeks after christmas is the best time to buy, as everything is now at its lowest price. Additionally, I have been listening to Jens Lekman "Oh You're So Silent Jens" rather obsessively. I love the album, but wonder if that isn't because I love Belle & Sebastian and Stephin Merritt best of pretty much all things, and he sounds remarkably similar. So I'm not sure if that's a bad thing and he should lose points because of it. Is Jens Lekman a knock-off? Is that a problem?

Monday, January 09, 2006


So, last night I woke up to Bill talking in his sleep, quite audibly, about Microsoft, Google & the Great Firewall of China. Or something like that. I swear this happened, he was in full-blown lecture mode about something to do with the above-named items. There is a chance, however, that I dreamed this and Bill is in fact innocent. I do have a history of dreaming things and then waking up, believing that they happened. I also believe that I dreamed last night that I told someone that my little brothers were both 6'4" and 220 lbs. However, that's not really true, one brother is not that tall and neither are that heavy. But anyway I feel pretty sure that I did in fact do this, except that I don't remember talking to any strangers yesterday, or really, at all over the weekend. So I have to assume that I did dream that part, but I nevertheless believe that Bill did talk in his sleep about technological stuff.
And speaking of my brothers, one has decided to move into my bedroom! I have been moved out for a week... or 6 years minus 3 months, as I prefer to look at it, and he's taking over my room of millions of years. Granted, it is the best room not occupied by my mother, but it's mine and I kinda thought I could just leave all my unneccessary stuff there for the next, oh, 10-70 years. But no, I actually have to decide whether or not I should really keep my Eleanor Roosevelt report from the 6th grade... and by this weekend too! I am not really a pack rat, but you know, I have about a half dozen boxes of various crap shoved around my room, not to mention the specific crap like all my books and photos from high school? And seriously, what on earth do people do with their jewel cases when they can't leave them at their mom's house anymore? On one hand, literally everything in my bedroom could be donated to goodwill and I would never really even notice, but to be forced to actually make these decisions... I had hoped to stretch it out over the next 8 months or so.
But really, what do people actually do with jewel cases?

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

New Digs & A Trip, whee.

So, I am all moved in to my lovey apartment. It is adorable, and we have all the good stuff, like beer, bourbon, a futon and a balcony. So we are totally visitor-ready. It pimps.
In other news, I am going to Chicago this weekend and will be getting down at a bar called the Hop Leaf at, umm, Clark and Foster on Saturday evening. Ms. Amy Lynn, dear friend and regular blog reader and (hopefully) super fantastic hostess, will probably comment on actual location. In any case, I would love to see my Chicagoland readers. So, go there! Or call/email me. Whee.