Saturday, January 28, 2006

Hairy tits, faces, the works.

So my roommate and I instituted a new policy of meeting for drinks once a week, going to a bar we've never been to. It's part of my theory that we need to start exploring Kansas City like we did not grow up here and start thinking of Kansas City based on that "Kansas City here we come" song, that Magnetic Fields song, "your eyes are Kansas City, one in Kansas and one in Missouri" (ok, so that song isn't all too relevant, but I'm, well, so vain that I basically think that song is about me, also, GBV, Beekeeper Seeks Ruth, it totally makes me blush) and you know, who think Kansas City is awesome meat products and jazz and has one of the largest collections of Asian art outside of Asia. And there is that Altman movie, Kansas City, that I have never seen-- its tagline is "Kansas City, 1934. Anything could happen here. One night it did." for chrissakes.
So, for our first selection (Julie's, actually), we went to a bar called John's Big Deck, which, as my stud-lover points out, is totally a penis joke. In any case, we were pretty much the only women there, aside from the waitresses and one blonde lady with enormous fake and almost entirely exposed breasts. Her stomach, also enormous and exposed, seemed to be genuine. And most of the men there were a) long-bearded in baseball caps b) in overalls and c) eating the special, which was a hunk of meat, one slice of white bread, fries, and a baked potato.
Of course, I had the view of the action, which was bad, because I have a tendancy not to actually look at the person I am with, so this obviously exacerbated the problem, which escaladed when Tits went over to Longest-Beard with a pair of scissors and placed his long beard between her large and incredibly wall-eyed breasts, all the while making porn-star face, and cut his beard off, so that all the hair fell down her shirt. Then she stood up, and pulled a huge wad of hair out, still making porn-star face! To which, Formerly Longest-Beard said, huh, you've got hairy tits, and then they went home together!!! Or rather, left together. I should illustrate this for you, but I'm not really sure where the paint equivalent is on my pretty new iBook, and am too lazy to look.

4 comments:

Jenni said...

in this case, I'd love to see real pics! although... after some thinking, maybe not. but hey, you have to go back there and check if that woman is there every night. maybe she's a prostitute or something...

stefanie said...

while i usually love your illustrations, ruth darling, i think i'd prefer this one to remain non-illustrated. ew.

also, your drinks-somewhere-you-haven't been plan is a fantastic one. i think i will institute this.

Bill McClain said...

I'd like to point out the Ruth made a rule that we had to drink EVERY NIGHT. And only I, the hero, have been keeping that policy up. Pah!

DaintyDoughnuts said...

I tend to think that all songs are about me as well.
Everytime I go to someplace new in Thailand or go all out of my way to learn something about Thailand - I sort of wonder why the land I actually grew up in and spent the most time in doesnt interest me as much. Maybe its because I already know about the civil war or that Ive already seen the both coasts and the midwest. I was thinking that I should get my ass down to the grand canyon before I die.